Today when I woke up I was at 172, "this is going to be a good fast" I thought to myself. Then I went to work did 100 crunches during break. I went to church and I promised my friend I would go to her house after, and there was no way of getting out of dinner at her house with a couple of guy friends (thankfully guys don't really pay attention to detail). I sat there looking at my plate with huge eyes, probably filled with tears, because I was on the verge of a panic attack. I was so happy with myself this morning and now its all going to get ruined by this little meal. On my plate were 2 small meatballs and a tablespoon of potatoes. I wanted to kill myself just to get out of this meal but the little voice in my head who I like to call my guardian ana, gave me direction. First I cut everything in little little tiny pieces and I always had food on my fork and I would comment on something and when everyone's eyes were on me I'd wave my fork around like I using my hands to talk (unluckily my friend T pays attention to every little detail) then I would put the piece in my mouth, how I got away with this next part I have no idea: I sat right next to the trash can it had no top on it, and I would cough the food into my hand, sometimes if I was sure no one was looking I would just spit it out in my hand then under the table I would pass it from my right hand to my left and then I would throw it in the trash quietly as can be. I didn't get away with one piece though my friend T stared at the fork and then at my mouth and then back to the fork and I put it in my mouth that little piece of meatball and then she stared at my mouth and I smiled chewed and swallowed. But I've learned from my fellow anas to not give up on a fast that little piece will not ruin it I can do more crunches in the morning I won't give up because of it, but I won't forget it and I will pay for it. Ughh and then I started talking to this boy L and he has a girlfriend and I've never been a home wrecker but something about him just pulls me in. He makes me feel beautiful and from all the suffering i put my body through I think i deserve to feel at least that. I'm not in love with him but we have sexual chemistry and I want him so bad but all he wants to do is skype and send pictures. It was fun the first time but I'm over it. And I feel bad for his girlfriend but she lives in another country he used to live there too because he went to some college. Idk what to do with myself anymore.

I will never be free.......