I should be happier but,

I just don't feel like my first goal has been reached. I thought I would excited, happy, ecstatic- give me anything but this depressed feeling.  I succeed pushing an amazing friend out of my life, one of the closest I have, T. A dedicated christian just looking out for our friend S, who I have unshockingly managed to make him want to sin. I told her to leave me alone and just stop talking to me. Poor S isn't strong enough to talk to me and not want to sin. Maybe it was me talking about dicks and him being gay well hes trying so hard not to be. I blocked him from my facebook so I would never find him again. He was such a good confident and so was T, but idk. How could I ever really love anyone in my condition. I'm just fucked up. I would never want this for anyone else.

I am on day 5 of my fast of water, coffee(100 calorie Starbucks frappuccino vanilla) and coke zero (0 calories). I don't feel any different than I did yesterday. Still fat , like I've accomplished nothing. I want someone anyone to tell me that I look 13 lbs lighter because it is what I am. Haha sometimes I say pathetic things but its what I feel. I don't edit myself here that's why I love to blog even if no one read idgaf. I'm not even hungry. I want to fast tomorrow too, just so I'll hit 168 for some reason I just want to finally get there. I will get there. I think I should eat tomorrow just so I can take vitamins. Maybe a salad from Cafe Express? Ugh there is no nutrition thing on there website. I'll just call tomorrow before I go just to make sure its not crazy calories or something. 

So I officially am done with L (well hes done with me). He hasn't talked to me in like 4 days , I know I know stage 5 clinger right? Well idgaf haha I'm just not going to talk to him or try my hardest not to. There is someone who I am pretty sure wants something from me. I told him I wanted to move away to Austin, Texas and not tell anyone and he said "just say the word and I'll drive". His name is J. Once when I was 16 maybe 17 I embarrassed the shit out of myself in front of him because I was so drunk I couldn't stand up and who else but J was holding my fat ass up. Why hes talking to me now is beyond me. I wouldn't ever talk to me again. Maybe hes lonely, I am too, therefore were made for each other. Until one of us finds someone else... Its how life goes. Most the time I get bored though and then I move on. Never compatible.. haha In the words of Kanye "baby I got a plan run away fast as you can"

So tonight I went to the movies with my gay friend to see the movie Burlesque. It was fantastic, and good thinspiration. For some reason my computer won't copy any pictures so I can post it.

stay strong starve on 

Listening to: Kanye West- Runaway