Day 2

Not super excited about my weight this morning but I can deal with it. I'm looking at the positives. I'm 170, again. But hey tomorrow I might be 168, and that would be good. Today I've had a medium diet coke from McDonalds now I'm working on a big glass of water. I was wondering why I was almost to the point of fainting today, I barley had anything to drink. Besides the being faint all day it was a pretty good fasting day. I can't wait to weigh myself tomorrow. I might be getting ahead of myself but I just get so excited to write on my dry erase board, how many lbs I've lost since my highest weight, my current weight and how many days I've been on this fast. When I lay down now I'm starting to be able to see and feel my ribs, no real hip bones yet just definition where my hip bone should be. Its a start. Sticking to positive is all I can do right now to keep myself from going insane.

Last night J did text me goodnight, then around 5 I told him I couldn't sleep he didn't reply and he didn't text me today, so instead I took the initiative and text him which I hate doing he replied but again kept it short and didn't reply after I answered his question of  "whats up". Whatever I'm over this bullshit routine at least L gets to know me. I just want to know what he wants ugh I feel like I will never find out. And if I straight up ask he will think I'm crazy. Next time he starts a conversation with me if he ever does again which you never know because hes so confusing. I will listen to Dylphe and just be blunt. I think I keep wasting my time with him because I can't figure him out and usually with guys I am pretty good at it. I hate it but at the same time I like not knowing everything for once in my life haha.There has been some positives of our night together and our relationship (if you can call it that), I've been writing a lot of poems which I have had a poets writer block nothing really inspired me. And I'm painting again, I'm finally finishing my painting from like 2 months ago now if I can finish the one from a year ago. I wish he didn't inspire me to write the poems that I do. I mean I don't want to fall for anyone especially him, I just know that he would probably hurt me, but let's see if i listen to myself. I haven't let myself really fall for anyone since I really developed my e.d. I don't think its really possible to love anyone and tell the truth to anyone who I get close to that's why I push so many people away. I hate lying and it makes me miserable when I do, stupid conscience.

I've noticed my boy problems paragraph has become larger than the whole ana paragraph when my blog is mostly about ana. Haha oh well. I'll try harder to talk about my e.d. more then men. :)

Oh and anyone who ever wants to join my fast feel free too, company is always better than going it alone. Today is day 2, If anyone wants to join on now for a 3 day fast of liquids only no shakes, slushies or anything crazy like that, they can. I've never led a fast so lets hope I am faithful, if I'm not I'll keep going. I learned to never just quit a planned fast, even if you accidentally have a binge just work out or purge if you purge and keep going until the planned day the fast ends.

Listening to: Manchester orchestra- Sleeper 1972

Stay strong!!