169

I stayed up until 3 just to weigh myself because I got so curious and the scale remained at 170. Then I told myself go to sleep that morning pee will get rid of that last lb. And when I woke up it did!! Still not the 168 I had hoped for but I am almost there. Today was the my first day eating after 5 days of just coffee water and coke zero , and its always different after you haven't eaten in so long. In the morning I had 1 carrot and then my dad took me out to Cafe Express (one of my favorite places) I felt full immediately after the first bite but I forced myself to keep eating because:

1. I need the nutrients 

2. I would feel bad because my dad took me out and I barley ate

3. I want to take my vitamins and you have to take them on a full stomach

I ordered the Grilled chicken salad it had almonds and all kinds of yummy stuff. Then my dad offered me some of his, He ordered the California burger, but without beef only chicken on wheat bread, with avocado. He cut me a small piece I took it and after the first tiny bite I felt like I was going to puke. I mean I haven't eaten bread since thanksgiving I forgot how filling it was. Never again will I eat it because I still feel sick.

Tonight me and one of my old girl friends are going out I don't know if I should drink there's so many calories in my favorite drinks. Apple Martini-235 (it doesn't sound like a lot but it adds up once you keep ordering more and more) Long Island Ice Teas- 507. I mean I've already eaten my days worth of food so maybe my stomach will be empty enough to get drunk faster?

I hope LH and I get closer because I really need a friend haha. We used to be so close in high school maybe well both get drunk enough and just bond, yeah I am so lame but I still hope so. I'll end up pushing her away too though. I wish I had a friend that was ana so I could talk to her about it and we could workout together and fast together and be accountable for the others food intake. I would never push ana on anyone else but sometimes I am soooo tempted too. I won't do it. No one deserves this life.

Today my dad asked me if I've lost weight and he didn't want to tell me anything about it until I reached my goal but he said I looked good. People DO notice :). I mean I don't want them to notice so much to were they ask questions but I want them to say you look good or wow did you loose weight? When I get compliments like that it makes me want to push harder, starve longer, do better.

I love it I feed off of it...

Oh and I was looking at thinspo videos last night and I found a new song totally dedicated to ana. Well Idk if its new but its new to me:

Listening to: Rachel Ferguson- Never good enough